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Eight years later...

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Eight years later... (1 Viewer)

Does anyone ever fear the future and the unknown?

  • No

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I live every day as if it’s my last, so there is nothing to fear

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • I don’t like to live in the future

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Nothing scares me

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters


New member
Apr 12, 2021
A little over eight years ago (2013), I started T. I was so eager to start my medical transition. Once I started, I was so scared to miss a shot. I felt like the world was going to end if I did. A few years later, I woke up dreading the needle stick. I started missing the right spot, causing pain and bleeding. I didn’t feel right missing it, but I was too scared to do the shot. It was mind blowing. Once I had my top surgery and full hysto in 2017, I was trying to keep on the shot weekly and get in shape. I wasn’t going to come out to anyone else. I felt like I was finally passing as me. I felt like no one needed to know I’m born female. Well, I still feel that way.

A few months post op, I started partying with a few people. We had fun. I started drinking heavily again. I started missing shots due to never being home. Eventually, I lost my mind with mania (I’m also Bipolar), causing to me go down a bad path with drugs. I was strung out for about a year post op. The drugs and rapid weight loss messed up my surgery results. That alone still causes dysphoria. I also sometimes wonder how much better my transition results would be by now if I didn’t miss so many shots.

My dysphoria has also become worse since those days because, while I was strung out, I feel in love with my best friend. She said she couldn’t be with me until after my bottom surgery. I just couldn’t give up. I have broken many hearts, but this was my first time with a broken heart. Now, I’m back in my shell and super shy. I feel like I did pre T and pre op. Trapped.

I am in the process of working out a life plan to get bottom surgery done in the next five years.

Sometimes I wonder, am I ready to take this final step to freedom? Am I ready to move away from home to start fresh? Am I financially able to survive during recovery times? Do I have enough emotional support from friends and family? Am I running out of time?
...the thoughts race through my head as I try to sleep and dream of a new future. day I will wake up, fully free, fully myself, and most importantly, I’ll have self love.

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